TIMELESS REFLECTIONS BY ZOEY

Sometimes, I feel like I could just laugh at myself. After every argument, every moment of frustration, I end up saying to myself, “That’s it. I’ll never speak to him again.” I get so angry, even packing my things as if I’m leaving for good, ready to storm out the door and be done with it. But here’s the funny part: after just an hour or two, I start missing him.

It’s almost ridiculous when you think about it. I’ll still be angry—fuming even—but something inside me starts to soften. I miss the scent of him lingering in the air. I miss hearing his voice, and watching our daughter doing cute little things around him. It’s this weird sense of missing his *absence*. I know he’s not fully present, but I miss him anyway.

And then I wonder… What would it feel like if he were *really* present? If he gave me all of himself—emotionally, mentally—what would that feel like? Oh, how incredible that would be! But instead, I’m stuck in this strange paradox of hating and loving, needing and not needing, missing and not missing. How do you even explain a feeling like that?

A Strange Emotional Tug-of-War

This back-and-forth tug-of-war is confusing. One moment I’m ready to cut ties, and the next, I find myself drawn back in. Is it love? Or is it something more complicated? Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I addicted to him?” It feels like I’m constantly on an emotional rollercoaster, unable to stay mad no matter how much he makes me cry. 

I’ve had moments where I questioned everything, wondering if this strange, intense mix of love and anger was even normal. Am I holding on too tightly to something that’s hurting me? Or is this just the nature of love—messy, complicated, and filled with contradictions?

The Science Behind the Struggle

According to relationship experts, this emotional ping-pong isn’t unusual. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, explains that love and attachment can activate the same parts of the brain that are linked to addiction. Our emotional brain latches onto those feelings of connection, even when things aren’t perfect.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson talks about how emotionally unavailable partners can create a push-pull dynamic in relationships. When emotional needs go unmet, it creates a yearning, a sense of loss, which often intensifies the need for closeness. The absence of emotional intimacy can make us feel hollow, but that absence also makes us crave it even more.

Why Can’t I Stay Mad?

So, why do I always come back? Why can’t I stay angry for long? Maybe it’s because the love I have is real, even though it’s flawed. But it’s also because, deep down, I hold onto hope. I hope that one day things will change, that one day he’ll be present in the way I’ve always needed.

Yet, I know this isn’t sustainable. Love isn’t supposed to be an endless loop of anger and forgiveness. The longer you stay in a cycle like this, the more it begins to affect your well-being. That’s something I’ve learned the hard way. I’ve experienced the emotional toll of constantly giving without receiving, and it’s left me exhausted.

What Should You Do?

If you’re in this kind of situation, you may be wondering: Should you stay or should you go? It’s not an easy answer. Leaving a relationship where love exists, even with its flaws, is incredibly hard. But staying in a relationship that drains you emotionally can be even harder.

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this: Your emotional health matters. You deserve to feel supported, cared for, and loved. If you’re constantly feeling neglected or hurt, it’s time to evaluate what you really need from your relationship. Whether that means setting boundaries, seeking couples therapy, or, in some cases, walking away—only you can decide what’s right for you.

I’ve been in moments where I needed someone, someone I loved, to be there for me. But they weren’t. Not during my pregnancy, not during childbirth, and not when I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. It’s an indescribable feeling when the person meant to be your safe space is the one causing you the most pain.

It’s hard not to feel crazy when the frustration and anger build up inside. Sometimes it spills out in aggressive ways, and I hate that my daughter has to witness it. I don’t want to set that kind of example for her. At only six months old, she’s already seen me cry far too often. It breaks my heart that I haven’t been able to hold it together better for her.

I know I need to make a change—not just for myself, but for her. Because I want her to see a mother who is happy, emotionally fulfilled, and not trapped in a cycle of hurt and forgiveness. It’s time to take a step back and figure out what I need to heal.

“True love is not just about holding on; it’s about finding balance—between giving and receiving, between being strong and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.” TIMELESS REFLECTIONS BY ZOEY

Final Thoughts

Love is complex. Sometimes, it’s full of contradictions that don’t make sense. But at the end of the day, your emotional well-being should never be compromised. You deserve to feel loved, supported, and emotionally safe.